Secrets from Around the Water Cooler

Around the Water Cooler Cover

It’s 8:53, just a few minutes before another ethics training. These are always fun. I get to subliminally chastise a room full of misfits while eloquently laying out the rules of engagement while on the company’s dime. Yeah, that is always fun; yep, big damn fun.

“Excuse me Patricia. Did you get the notes from Mr. Anis about the professional code of conduct points to discuss”, Lisa inquired. Lisa is the administrative assistant for the real administrative assistant for Mr. Anis, the HR Director. She’s a busy little thing. She’s that “one person“. She’s the one who should take a few sick days here and there, perhaps a long vacation. She’s the one we want to miss. Oh that damn Lisa.

Patricia rolled her eyes and sighed heavily.

“Yeah, do you think I’m a dimwit slacker or something”, Patricia growled.

Patricia, aka Puddles, hated secondary directions and meaningless chatter. She simply wanted to get the job done and back to her cubicle for online reprieve.

“Hmm, the drunk, the gossip, the nut, the tacky, and the know-it-all; that’s everyone, this time” she mumbled.

You’d think that these nitwits were raised in dimly lit caves only getting sustenance from a mossy drips of stalactite dew. Many of them must be from the Gremlin Species and only coming up for air on that well reserved day in February, Ground Hogs Day.

Puddles glanced down at her notes once again.

Tacky Tanisha

Tanisha doesn’t know the meaning or picture of professional dress. The poor, clueless thing exudes class from Ross’ mark-downs and Mrs. Roper’s secrets. One week it’s a half a boob showing, the next week her butt is jiggling all over the place, the next week, well all the weeks, her weave is doing it wrong. Tanisha just can’t get her fashion’s right and they’re imposing all over the company’s policy about appropriateness. Hopefully her flowered bottoms won’t clash with this warning.

Boozanna

Is that Thunderbird that I smell?

“No, it’s Rose Water”, she said.

Oh no the hell it isn’t. I know the smell of aged Thunderbird when it tap dances with splashes of Listerine. Boozanna’s case is a sad one. It’s hard to see someone waddling in the pities of life and seemingly making it better with liters upon liters of Thunderbird and adult toys. One part of me wants to give her an AA pamphlet and the other weekly supplies of boxed wine. Oh, the conflict.

Harlot Jean

Harlot Jean is akin to Suzie the Slut and Harry the Ho; they are a delightful bunch, in a D-list, soft-porn, HBO kind of way. Harlot Jean is a bit different though. She’s new aged, she’s techie, she’s all over the internet and the picture of Ashley Madison. If you don’t know about “Ashley Madison” ask Jean, she knows.

Winfrey No Oprah

Winfrey No Oprah has gone from the mailroom to the corner office on the executive floor in a matter of a week; well in her head anyway. She’s the know-it-all of know-it-alls. She has a suggestion for everything and everyone. She’s the queen of unsolicited advice, the picture of “how I would do it”, and it’s always the wrongest of wrong, the backwards of wayward. The final straw was when she pitched the HR Director, Mr. Anis, on how to do things better in planning and development, then forwarded her resume to him via Facebook.

….and it was that which led us here.

When will these people ever learn?

If you have a workplace story to share, as always, send an email with your name, blog [if applicable], and brief summary (less than 300 words) for a possible feature in the next Around the Water Cooler.

Stay tuned for the next episode of Around the Water Cooler, September 25, 2015.

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